I often liken my relationship with Twice to a rollercoaster because of the dramatic hill climbs, sudden drops, and gut wrenchingly unexpected turns. During the thrilling ride you pray for it to end while also looking forward to the next go around. Unfortunately, this ride was not the sturdy, permanent structure such as one you might find at Universal Studios. The rickety framework resembled more closely that of a ride thrown together by drunk carnies pressed for time. I have looked back over the last eight years and wondered endlessly why I chose to repeat the experience multiple times. Was the adrenaline rush worth the damage both to my mind and my heart? Twice was able to convince me I was not deserving of the kind of love I’d read about. I steadily gained weight and made little effort to enhance my appearance or style. I was too afraid I’d give Twice another reason to accuse me of disloyalty. I didn’t work, I hadn’t gone to college like all of my classmates, and I’d yet to experience the joys of either marriage or motherhood. I’d failed at every turn, and my future was no brighter than my present situation. Hope had abandoned me sometime in the first two and a half years I spent with Twice, and depression weighed heavily on me.
One day, Twice had finally had enough and decided it was time to put distance between his brother DJ and himself. They were only ever able to spend small increments of time in close proximity with one another, and the rainy season had put work on hold indefinitely. We gathered our meager belongings and left the coast.
Julie was warmly receptive and welcoming when Twice asked permission for us to stay for a while in her home. This wasn’t our first time staying with her, but her episodes determined the length of our stay. She was a compassionate, kind woman who’d been broken by her own experiences with men. A lack of adequate mental health care had allowed her drug/alcohol addled mental state to continue to decline.
Once, while Twice was at work, I was left at his mother’s house. This was the norm, but I tread lightly this day. We’d been staying with her for a few months, and her patience was wearing thin. Julie hadn’t gone this long without having one of her famed episodes, and she was overdue for one. As I was sitting on the couch watching a movie, I heard her steps as she made her way to the kitchen. I heard her muttering as she began banging pots and turning on the faucet. The place was a wreck as usual. Rats and roaches had won the battle long ago. I’d given up trying to play the maid when so many contributed to the mess. I waited, hoping that she’d return to her room so I could sneak away for the rest of the afternoon.
With bated breath, I listen as she shuffled around the corner and found me sitting on the couch. Her bloodshot eyes found mine and narrowed. She asked what the fuck I’d been sitting around doing all day while her house was in such a state. I stammered an apology as I scrambled to think of an appropriate response. I hadn’t nearly enough experience with Julie’s episodes to know quite how to extinguish the flames of her psychosis. Unfortunately, she’d reached a mental state beyond reception and didn’t seem to register that I’d even responded. I was saved by Twice’s sudden appearance in the doorway. His voice thundered across the room and seemed to break through his mother’s spell. She whirled and resumed her tirade.
I gathered my things unnoticed and made my way to the truck, contemplating what might come next. Obviously, our current living situation had reached its end. Twice was not yet ready to return to the coast and his brother. The camper was full of leak induced mold. Before I could dwell to deeply on just how hopeless things were seeming, Twice slammed the front door and stomped down the porch steps. He approached the truck and avoided eye contact as he told me I should probably call my aunt. Confused, I asked what he meant. He told me we’d figure things out, but he could go stay with a friend while I stayed with my aunt in the meantime. I reluctantly agreed, but I dreaded what this could mean. He’d already been distant in recent days, and our fights had reached devastatingly violent levels.
With a heavy heart, I backed out of the winding dirt driveway and made my way to my aunt’s house, which was only about a mile from Julie’s. She agreed to let me sleep on her couch until I figured things out. In my hasty escape, I’d left my phone with Twice. When I dialed, there was no answer. Exhausted, I decided to wait until the next day when Julie had calmed and flipped her crazy switch back to its off position.
Morning arrived and with it the dread that I may have to face Julie again. After repeated attempts to reach Twice, I grabbed my keys and made my way back to his mom’s house. He was asleep in the recliner in the living room when I found him. I saw my phone on the arm of the chair and snatched it in my frustration. Suspicion weighed heavily on me, so I thought I should investigate. Upon reading the messages from an unknown number, my heart began to pound, and my stomach churned. I didn’t notice Twice’s approach over the roaring in my ears. When his hand appeared to reach for my phone, I jerked it away and narrow my eyes at him.
In a split second decision, I turned and ran to my truck. I was gasping for breath both from the exertion and my anxiety over the discovery I’d made. My vision blurred as tears gathered and spilled over. I couldn’t erase the words I’d seen from my mind. “I miss you, baby.” “When are you coming to see me again.” Twice had sent his own messages. “You got anything for me?” “You know what I want.” I couldn’t decide if meth, sex, or both were being discussed in those exchanges. It didn’t matter. The betrayal burned as it flowed through my veins. Anger heated my skin while sorrow pooled in my belly. I yanked the gear shift into park and killed the engine after pulling into my aunt’s driveway.
With shaking hands, I delved deeper into the history of my phone’s usage. A yawning pit had opened in my stomach. I was terrified of what I’d find, but I had to know the truth. The messages between the owner of the unsaved number and Twice were almost cryptic but held a clearly flirtatious tone. Other messages contained meeting times and locations for what were likely drug deals. The search history merely contained the illiterate searches of an uneducated man who’d fried his brain with meth. Misspelled words in the search box asked about secret codes and hidden apps in a phone that someone could use to hide things. I laughed as I recalled his accusatory tone in demanding that I reveal my hidden apps on my phone. He was so sure that I was tech savvy enough to hide things in this manner, while I remained dumbfounded by these ludicrous allegations.
Satisfied that there was no more of interest, I returned to the exchanges between Mystery Woman and Twice. I texted the number and asked if she had seen Twice. I had a sick feeling in my gut that she’d known where he was all those times I’d been left at Julie’s. My calculations revealed that these messages coincided with Twice’s secretive endeavors. I waited for a reply before sending another text. I know he’s been with you. I just want to talk. I hit send as apprehension settled over me. I readied myself to send another text, determined to get answers. Before I could decide what to type, my phone dinged as a message came through. I don’t know where he is. Sorry. I huffed in frustration. I knew I wouldn’t get anywhere with texting her, so I decided to call. The phone rang multiple times before the voicemail recording played. I hung up and redialed the number. I was resolute in my goal for answers, or at least some sort of closure. This time, the phone rang once before the recording sounded in my ear. My call had been ignored. I had nothing but time, so I settled in comfortably and proceeded to dial the number repeatedly. If I couldn’t have peace, then I would ensure she/they could not have it either. I lost count of the number of calls I placed before I was surprised by the deep voice that came over my phone’s speaker. Twice had finally answered. I felt the blood drain from my face as my suspicions were confirmed.
“Stop fucking calling. She ain’t got nothing to do with this. Leave her the fuck alone,” he shouted hatefully before the beeps signaled the end of the call.
I sat in shocked silence for a moment before my mind began planning my next move. I wasn’t one to just feebly give in. This had become a sort of game, and I was not going to allow him or this unknown woman to win.
I finally settled on going to a man’s house right around the corner from Julie’s. Twice had frequently visited there while leaving me to wait in the truck.
Knocking on the door, I rehearsed my lines and tried to calm my frazzled nerves. The man’s brow was furrowed with concern when I asked pitifully if he’d seen Twice. I remained as honest as possible to avoid suspicion. “His mom blew up and we had to dip out pretty quickly. Twice was supposed to meet me at my aunt’s house, but I haven’t seen or heard from him. I’m worried that something’s happened,” I explained as tears pooled in my eyes. I allowed them to spill over, pushing the man to chivalrously offer his help. “I don’t know myself, but I know where he could be,” he answered. “Do you know where Dany lives?” he asked. I shook my head, silently wondering if this was the name of Mystery Girl. He gave me clear directions to her house and asked if there was anything I needed. I told him he’d been more than helpful and thanked him for his time.
The feigned look of worry and desperation dropped from my face and was replaced with a triumphant smile. I repeated the directions to myself as I used my phone’s map to pinpoint the location. I allowed GPS to guide me to the place that either held answers or more clues to the next step in my quest. I passed the driveway before noticing the nearly hidden tan truck that Twice had purchased from a man on the coast recently. I braked suddenly before reversing cautiously. Verifying that it was his truck parked in the driveway, I swung in, allowing fury to suffuse my veins and give me the strength I needed for the coming battle.
After a few persistent knocks on the front door of the strange house, a shirtless guy who’d gone without far too many meals answered. With a raised brow, he asked if he could help me. I politely asked to speak with Twice. He informed me that he had not seen Twice recently, blatantly ignoring the presence of his truck in the driveway. I pushed past him and called for Twice. Ignoring the protests of shirtless guy and his girlfriend/wife/sister/friend, I marched through the living room until Twice came through a door in the hallway. He grabbed my arm and asked what the hell I thought I was doing bursting into someone else’s home uninvited. I was beyond caring about manners and niceties. Nothing would prevent my getting answers. If Twice had really lied to me and been unfaithful, I felt that I deserved to know why.
Stopping at my truck, Twice released my arm and demanded that I leave immediately. I dug my heels in and refused to budge without an explanation. He feigned ignorance and brushed off my questions without meeting my eyes. I took this avoidance of my gaze coupled with the damning texts as admission of guilt. I asked him how he could do such a thing to me. My chest tightened with pain as I struggled to remain strong and steadfast. He gave up denying my claims and dropped the act. Face twisted into a mask of contempt, he said, “it’s not like we’re married.”
The spiteful words dealt a devastating blow that demolished my self-control. I furiously pounded on his chest as I screamed unintelligible profanities. I repeatedly asked him why and how he could hurt me like that. I asked what I did to deserve it. The rest of my tirade was a blur, but he quickly subdued me by throwing my body to the red dirt beneath me. He sat on my belly and pinned a shoulder with one of his meaty hands before wrapping the fingers of his other hand around my neck. He pressed slowly until my airway constricted and stopped my yelling. I began to see stars before he loosened his viselike grip.
As I coughed and struggled to inhale enough oxygen, he sat back and waited. My air supply was still inadequate with his weight pressing on my belly, but I didn’t have the strength or voice to speak out against him. He leaned in until his large nose touched mine, his pupils pinpricks in the large, icy blue irises. His breath hot as it fanned my face, Twice warned me that he would knock me the fuck out if I tried anything. He stood abruptly, and I rolled to me knees before standing upright in front of him. I glanced behind him and saw the girl I assumed to be Dany standing at her front door. Hurt sliced through me before I turned back to Twice expectantly. He told me to please leave, and he would follow me.
I reluctantly agreed and kept my eyes on him as I got back into my truck and backed slowly out of the driveway. I backed into the road and waited for him to follow. I followed him to his mom’s driveway, and we parked at the end by the road.
Our argument resumed immediately as we exited our vehicles and met in between the two. It was as if all of the bad from the past two and half years had accumulated into a pile of gunpowder awaiting the tiniest of sparks. Twice tried to get into my vehicle to get my phone and, presumably, break it in retribution for my recent crimes. I’d locked the door in anticipation, so he came around to the driver side and attempted to pry the keys from my hands. I told him I’d unlock it for him to by myself some time to think. As he reached over me, I panicked and grabbed my mace. I sprayed his face and held the trigger down until he stumbled away from me.
His mom had heard the commotion and wandered up the driveway by this point. Twice rushed to the spicket nearby and rinsed his face to alleviate the burning while Julie marched up to me. She’d been waiting for me to lose the protection of her son, and this was an opportunity she just couldn’t resist. Finger jabbing in my face, she released her pent-up frustrations with me. She accused me of being a cheating whore, lazy bitch, and many other distasteful things before I rolled my eyes and turned to climb back into my truck. My head snapped back as she grabbed a fistful of my hair and yanked me to the ground. Before I could respond, Twice told her to stop. I don’t know why he didn’t just let her continue, but he seemed to want to finish the fight himself.
I used their distraction to make my escape. I had nothing left to accomplish from this encounter, and I knew I would not triumph in a physical contest with Twice.
The adrenaline faded from my blood, and I began to feel all that had just occurred. I replayed the events, allowing the tears to flow freely. I slid into the driveway at my aunt’s house before throwing the gear into park. I half slid half fell out of my truck as my legs collapsed underneath me. My uncle rushed out of the house with his pistol in hand. I hastily reassured him that the gun was not necessary, and he assisted me in standing.
There is so much more, but I’ve given you enough to read for now. I will say that I’ve been haunted by these scenes in my memory for years. I have been plagued with nightmares featuring Twice and Dany. My chest still aches when I hear the hateful words Twice spat at me running through my mind. Even now, my mouth runs dry when I think of it. I guess it’s a form of PTSD? I’m not sure, but as bad as it may seem in black and white on the screen, I wish this memory was one of those out of my reach.
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